A First to Remember

There are days when everything is moving quickly, and the to-do list is as long as the laundry pile is high, and then you make the mistake of sitting down. You think that you will sit for just a moment to catch your breath before the next item is crossed off your list, before the next phone call is made to set the next appointment, before you realize that you have been going for several hours, and maybe you should eat breakfast, even though it is now lunch time. You also know that you are fooling yourself, because as soon as you sit down, you are going to have time to pause. Time to think.

That is where I find myself this afternoon. I made the mistake of sitting down. Sitting on my couch, looking around the room. Realizing that it has been one year since Hurricane Sandy made it’s way up the East Coast, and wreaked havoc in so many communities. Hard to believe when I look outside on this beautiful afternoon, with one single pink rose on the rose bush, that a year ago the skies were dark, school was canceled, as was work for Chris. I’m also realizing that although I was stressed a year ago because of the storm (I really don’t like “weather events” of any kind) that as a whole we were doing okay. The children were happy because we let them play video games to their hearts content since they weren’t in school, and it would have been a poor decision to play outside at the time. Chris and I were together on the couch, as we worked on a puzzle of the Space Shuttle Columbia.

It’s the part about the puzzle that is coming so clearly to mind today. I know that it was the puzzle of the Space Shuttle Columbia at takeoff, (we have multiple puzzles of space), because it lists it’s take-off date and the disaster date, which happened to be my 30^th birthday. We had had a brief discussion about it. Our discussion that evening went from there to further back in time, to the first October 29 that we knew each other.

October 29, 1992, was the night of our first kiss. Yes, we actually recalled our first kiss. After all, it was a leg-popping kiss, and I have to admit, I knew then, he was the one for me. (It only took 5.5 years to get to the alter . . . didn’t want to rush!) A year ago we were laughing about that evening. What had been going though our minds that night . . . our friends’ reactions when they realized we were a couple. Then the realization that last year marked 20 years since we had shared that first kiss. Since I was 19 when we first kissed, I teased him that we had been together as a couple for over half my life, and I wasn’t really sure what I thought about that. We also spoke about where our 19 and 20 year old minds thought we would be in 2013. I’m pretty sure neither one of us had pictured us waiting out a super-storm in Virginia, as we put together a puzzle and our children laughed while playing sports on a video game.  Honestly, I’m not sure my 19 year-old mind really ever did have an image of us in the future, other than us growing old together.

So now, as I am writing this, I am thinking maybe it wasn’t a mistake to sit down and take the time to think. The laundry pile and the to-do list are still there. But now, I have a cherished memory in my mind as I go about the rest of my day.

And I have a single pink rose, blooming outside my window that I have taken the time to notice.

Just a Few of My Thoughts

Grief is one of the oddest, and most confusing of emotions. And unfortunately too many of my friends have experienced heart breaking loss in their lives. It seems especially in the last year. Now I know that I am not an expert, but over the last 11 months, I have been given some amazing advice, as well as have learned things on my own in regards to grief, like things not to tell someone. So if you would like to know a few of my thoughts, please continue reading . . .

Grief does not only come from the death of a person. A person can grieve for many reasons, including (but not limited to) a loved ones death, because of a divorce, a loss of a job, moving, or even children going away to college. People grieve, because a major part of their life has been significantly changed.

No two people will grieve the same. There are those that will be demonstrative of their emotions in public, and others that will not. No one has the right to judge the person and how they do/do not display their grief. It is an individual’s right to choose how they will express their grief.

Never tell a grieving person that someone else’s “grief is a 1000 times worse than yours. “ (Yes, this was actually said to me). This goes back to no two people grieve the same. A person who is grieving may look completely fine on the outside, and act just like they always have in public, but you have no idea what happens in their mind or in their home. There is no comparing when it comes to grief. 

Be gentle with yourself. This is the most often heard, and yet the hardest to follow. I’m still trying to learn how to do this.

Give yourself time. For some people (like me), a checklist is needed for things. However, there is no checklist for grieving. There is no box to check to say, “okay, I’ve gotten through denial, I’m ready to move on to anger.” This is because there is no order in grieving. You can feel an entire range of emotions all at the same time, or one emotion for an extended period of time.

Never tell a person that they should “be over it by now.” There is no time limit on grief. To people who say this, I would like to smack you in the head.

For those with grieving children, hug them, but only when they want to be hugged. Let them know that you are there to listen when they are ready to talk. Just because they can go laugh and play, does not mean they are finished grieving. Children have their own way and time of processing information.

Laugh. Smile. Enjoy life. Seriously. These are actually incredibly difficult to do after the loss of a loved one. The first time I laughed, I felt guilt. I can honestly say that there are days when I do still feel guilt. Chris should still be here to hear the laughter of our children, and to share in the new inside family jokes. But when I do feel that guilt, I have to talk myself out of it, and remind myself, he would want us to be Living.

And finally, as my 11 y/o added after she read this . . . talk about the person who is gone. They may not be here with us physically on earth, but they live on in our hearts and in our stories.