Just a Few of My Thoughts

Grief is one of the oddest, and most confusing of emotions. And unfortunately too many of my friends have experienced heart breaking loss in their lives. It seems especially in the last year. Now I know that I am not an expert, but over the last 11 months, I have been given some amazing advice, as well as have learned things on my own in regards to grief, like things not to tell someone. So if you would like to know a few of my thoughts, please continue reading . . .

Grief does not only come from the death of a person. A person can grieve for many reasons, including (but not limited to) a loved ones death, because of a divorce, a loss of a job, moving, or even children going away to college. People grieve, because a major part of their life has been significantly changed.

No two people will grieve the same. There are those that will be demonstrative of their emotions in public, and others that will not. No one has the right to judge the person and how they do/do not display their grief. It is an individual’s right to choose how they will express their grief.

Never tell a grieving person that someone else’s “grief is a 1000 times worse than yours. “ (Yes, this was actually said to me). This goes back to no two people grieve the same. A person who is grieving may look completely fine on the outside, and act just like they always have in public, but you have no idea what happens in their mind or in their home. There is no comparing when it comes to grief. 

Be gentle with yourself. This is the most often heard, and yet the hardest to follow. I’m still trying to learn how to do this.

Give yourself time. For some people (like me), a checklist is needed for things. However, there is no checklist for grieving. There is no box to check to say, “okay, I’ve gotten through denial, I’m ready to move on to anger.” This is because there is no order in grieving. You can feel an entire range of emotions all at the same time, or one emotion for an extended period of time.

Never tell a person that they should “be over it by now.” There is no time limit on grief. To people who say this, I would like to smack you in the head.

For those with grieving children, hug them, but only when they want to be hugged. Let them know that you are there to listen when they are ready to talk. Just because they can go laugh and play, does not mean they are finished grieving. Children have their own way and time of processing information.

Laugh. Smile. Enjoy life. Seriously. These are actually incredibly difficult to do after the loss of a loved one. The first time I laughed, I felt guilt. I can honestly say that there are days when I do still feel guilt. Chris should still be here to hear the laughter of our children, and to share in the new inside family jokes. But when I do feel that guilt, I have to talk myself out of it, and remind myself, he would want us to be Living.

And finally, as my 11 y/o added after she read this . . . talk about the person who is gone. They may not be here with us physically on earth, but they live on in our hearts and in our stories.