A Year of Firsts

When I think of the phrase “A Year of Firsts” I think of the first year of each of my children’s lives. I think of the first pregnancy tests that I took. (Pretty sure with the first one I took about five pregnancy tests. I realized with subsequent children, the test was fairly accurate, and I probably only needed to take it three times). I think about the first time we heard the heartbeat. I think of the first ultrasound, and the first time we saw the baby.

Then the firsts are much more physical. The baby is born and we each had our first time that we held the baby. This was followed by the first bath by the nurse, the first diaper change and the first car ride to go home.  Once we made it home with the baby, then we had the overwhelming realization that the entire year would be filled with firsts. There would be the first bath at home, the first time the baby sat up, the first time the baby ate solid food, the first words the baby would say, the first time the baby would crawl, and the first time the baby would walk . . . those first tentative baby steps, that seem to be one of the top highlights of the first year. There would be so many firsts leading up to each of those big moments. As parents, we tried to capture all of these moments on film, whether as a still or a video. Knowing that each child was growing quickly, and that time is fleeting.

It is the crawling and walking that I really think of now when I think of my children as babies. The other firsts have blended a bit in my memory, until I pull out the pictures. But the crawling and walking . . . I had one child that started crawling with an army crawl, looking like they were going through baby boot camp. Then I had one that crawled with their tush in the air, as if afraid of getting their knees injured while crawling (I know it hurt my knees when I would crawl along besides my children). Then there was my mystery crawler. Seriously, I would put the baby down in one location, and the next thing I know, the baby would be on the other side of the room, and I swear I didn’t see the baby crawl.

From the crawling, came the walking. I have to admit, and I may be a bit biased, but my children were adorable while they learned to walk. Each of them went through the same basic process. First they would learn to pull themselves up to a standing position, usually while holding onto an adult leg, or a piece of furniture. Then they would learn to circle around their base of choice. With obvious confidence that the base would not move, they would walk in circles. Then they would realize that if they held on tightly to an adults hand, they could walk from one base to another. Their knees never had to be on the ground again! As time and confidence grew the children would start walking from one base to another and let go of the adults hand as they made progress. They were learning to walk on their own.

It is truly amazing how a baby grows and develops in their year of firsts. They physically grow and change. They learn more in their first year, that I’m not sure it can truly be measured. It’s made me realize that this year is yet again another year of firsts for our family. No, there are no more babies in our home. They are all rapidly approaching the teenage years. (Another first!) No, this year was not one that was chosen. This year did not actually begin on January 1. No, this year began last November. For that is when Chris passed away. If you combine all of the time we dated and were married, we spent 20 years together. We were together exactly ½ of Chris’s life. This was the person that I shared all of my joys and all of my challenges with. He was the first person I would call to share exciting news. He is the person who would hold me tight, and let me cry all over his lightly starched white shirt when I was sad. He was one of the very few people who ever saw me cry. I like to believe we made a good team when it came to having a family, and the ideals we wanted to instill in our children. But last November, that all came to a sudden halt. With Chris’s last heartbeat, it felt as if it was our last too.

And so a new year of firsts began. For all of us, we were back at the beginning of our lives. We had to learn to take care of ourselves again. We needed to learn to sit up again, to not be doubled over in the pain that was wrenching our stomachs into knots. We had to learn to feed ourselves again. We live in an amazing community that provided us with meals, many times twice a day for months. But we knew, that we had to start living again. We had to learn how to speak with people again. There were other conversations to be had that did not revolve around Chris’s death. For the world kept moving. We needed to learn how to laugh again, and to know that it was okay to do so. Slowly, we have begun to crawl out of the emotional hole that we found we were living in. We have learned to take those tentative baby steps. A little shaky at first, but by holding hands, and anchoring each other, we are gaining confidence daily.

So this has been our year of firsts. It’s just different this time.